Generation X- Wing

2006-12-12T15:24:00.000Z

Contrary to popular belief, and what you may have read in the tabloid press, I am not now, nor ever have been, pregnant. Thankyou for your time.

2006-10-27T19:31:00.000+01:00

Maybe its the changing seasons dragging me down. Maybe its the fact that I am constantly reminded of my ex-girlfriend who left me because she had to move to South Africa to live (at the end of June/July/the year delete as each date passes) but has since shown no inclination to actually go. Funny that. Makes me wonder what exactly I did that was so bad to her. I always tried to treat her well, did pretty much anything she asked of me. I'll admit I fell hard for the only girl to ever actually like me in that way, or at least pretended to, so the list of things I wouldn't have done for her is pretty short to non-existant. It kind of sucks when in your own depressed mind you figure you must have done something really awful for her to leave and treat you that way, but you have absolutely no idea what it was. Case in point, her last boyfriend she actually moved in with after they broke up, even though she was terrified of him and eventually had to go to the police over it. The guy was a bit of a psycho, compensating for being a short arse I think, but it takes all sorts. Me she refuses to have any contact with at all, and no, I haven't been playing the role of angry mad ex. All in all I've been pretty cool over the fact she made me feel like absolute shit for several months, all the time telling me how much she really loves me. So back in my depressing mind, logic dictates that I must have been an even bigger arsehole then him, right? Abuse can take many forms I now realise. Anyway, why am I prattling on about all this right now? Todays her birthday, so had things been different I would probably be enjoying a surprise weekend away in Paris to celebrate, as I'd started plotting and planning way back in the depths of May. Cause I'm the sneaky kind of bastard who when something is worth the effort will plan for things waaaaay in advance. But as it is she's enjoying it with another guy, refuses to have any contact with me whatsoever, and lacks the common decency to just leave my country, so all told, today has been just a little bit blue.

2006-09-20T21:48:00.000+01:00

I've recently had a growing feeling that something is broken. And I'm still trying to decide if its me or the world.

2006-09-17T20:36:00.000+01:00

The Ballad Of The Dreaded Friday

Ok, so as some people will be aware from my earlier message, I was terrified of an event occurring this Friday just past. And now it is the fateful time to reveal what it was that almost drove me over the edge.
It is not because, as some of you suspected, that I work for some intelligence agency or other, I work for a library. And the awful truth is that this Friday just gone I had to take part in the thrice cursed event known as Baby Bounce And Rhyme. This awful travesty involves sitting within a circle, surrounded by around twenty mothers with their babys, singing nursery rhymes to them, and enacting the hand motions that go along with them using the skilful application of scary looking puppets. A bad enough ordeal for any man to go through, but particularly for someone as shy as me. Indeed the memory of those vacant, beady little eyes staring at me as they sat there slowly soiling themselves still haunts me days onwards. And as for the babies, they were so much worse. If garita had not been there to face them with me I may well have lost my mind...
OK, so maybe it's a little less dramatic then some of you may have been hoping for, and at least now its over with (until the dreaded next time). The combined affects of Friday night drinking, Saturday Barbecue and Sunday Comic convention in London has thankfully kept the nightmares at bay, and just between you, me and hindsight has made it seem a little bit silly, and that I may, just may, have overeacted the tiniest little bit. But if you ever say I said that I will make a full and complete denial. The fact does remain that public speaking ( and often speaking to anyone I'm not yet comfortable around) can be a tricky business for me, let alone singing and puppet manipulating. And at the minute the schedule does not look good for next Friday either, so watch this space...

2006-09-13T21:34:00.000+01:00

A gruesome fate by all accounts, twas a dark and stormy night...

So I'm sending this one out to anyone in who may care and a few who probably don't.
I just want you all to know that if you don't hear from me again it is because on Friday I am to face the most terrible and fearsome event that any man can face.
More pantwettingly scary then this storm I am currently writing within.
Even more horrifying then Godzilla with diarrhea.

I knew there were risks when I took on the job but had hoped to avoid this dreaded day. I hope that you will all wish well of me, and if I survive then I will tell the tale within my blog, and if I don't then know that I shall miss you all (some more then others obviously, but you can't have everything), and maybe someday you will raise a glass and remember my name with a tearful glint in your eye. And pray, deep down within your very soul that you do not come face to face with the same fate that is fast approaching to claim me.

So I begin my journey into the darkness, hoping to see you once (possibly not till after the weekend though, as I'm out of town and, y'know, for the suspense! :-)

Fare thee well one and all!!!

The Melodramatic Monkey that is me

2006-09-06T20:53:00.000+01:00

As a child of the eighties, I believed a car could talk. And change into a giant robot. But I always was a bit gullible. Of course there was always talk about a live action Transformers film coming out, and with the start of a particular companys car advertisements those rumours quickly gained momentum. And now there is one on the way, and even though with Michael Bay directing it will probably be an awful mess this maybe its authentic maybe its not test footage means it has the potential to at least look fairly cool.

To see it click here

2006-09-04T21:11:00.000+01:00

So because my job has some moments that you can just travel along on automatic pilot I began to do some thinking today. And lo and behold what should leap into my head but the theory of Creationism. What the heck, think I, run with it lad. For those who don't know Creationism is the idea that the bible tells the literal truth. Ignore all that science mumbo jumbo, that crazy Darwin guy and all those fossils, they're all just there to test us. One of those stranger ideas to still be taught in certain schools. But anyways, back to the point...

Creationism I find is massively flawed, and not for the obvious reasons. My whole basis for this fantastically original staement that sprang into my head was an analogy to a house. If someone came along and asked you to move into a house, that they had knocked up single handedly in six days (resting on the seventh) would you? Well, maybe you would. But come on, you'd be expecting a pretty shoddy deal out of it. Leaking pipes, bad floorboards, and you wouldn't want to go near the bathroom. Now enlarge this house to the WHOLE OF ALL CREATION!!!
I think we got ripped. Maybe the world isn't quite the most perfect place to live because it was thrown together in less then a week, and I doubt there was much in the way of forward planning. It does seem to be a fairly rushed job. And when you throw in the evidence of the platypus its obvious that the guy (or gal) putting it together was stoned on at least one of those six days. Would you buy a house from a stoner who built it in six days? Well how about everything then? And its not even as if you can decide to just move in to the nicer place down the street. Because its EVERYTHING. There is no down the street! Theres not even a next door! And I'm fairly sure the town I come from is the Bathroom That Should Be Avoided! We as a sentient species should really be demanding our money back, and checking over the contract.

2006-06-21T19:58:00.000+01:00

So I didn't add anything for a day or so, but what can I say? Life is hectic, what with this week I've taken off work, re-watching my Kevin Smith DVDs and finding my X-box 360 addiction again with Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion its all just been rush rush rush. That, and as all I've been doing is sitting on my bum feeling it grow for a while I haven't had too much worth writing about happen. Not even like I can use my usual trick of ripping off a news item either as they're all about Michael Owen messing his knee up and possibly ruining Englands chances of winning (which I hate to point out to all the self-deluded people with flags covering their cars weren't that great to begin with). Darn World Cup spoils all my fun! Anyway, anyone reading this tomorrow have a drink for me, as I will be one year older but not a whole lot wiser, still waiting for that to start kicking in. And anyone who reads this tomorrow and later sees me, mines a double vodka and coke, thankyou very much! :)

2006-06-19T21:34:00.000+01:00

So I finaly took the challenge of ten things beginning with the same letter and ended up with C, so here goes:

C(deleted), my brother, known to many of you as Neath. Women love him, men want to be him, I think he's a bit of a ponce. Regretting giving me this letter now?

Cartoons, not the recent crap (darn it! now I can't use that word later!) but the eighties stuff I grew up with. We're talking Transformers, Thundecats, Cities Of Gold etc, etc. The children today just don't know what they missed out on, being left with tosh like Pokemon and its terrible ilk to grow up with. So glad that they've been releasing them on DVD and I can finally relive all those childhood moments of watching giant robots dukin it out in heroic fashion, Cat-people dukin it out with evil mummies and mutants, Giant golden condors flying through the air, and Snarf.
For those of you who remember the golden days of animated childhood tat, click here

Cat, beacause they're cool. Much better then dogs, and any species that can get away with sleeping for 16 hours a day is one I wouldn't mind being reincarnated as.

Chavs, I come from their birthplace, hate them with a passion, even more so since they became a worldwide phenomenon with pseudo celebrity status. They're too thick to understand irony people, they think you're actually praising them in they're tiny little brains!!! And even though waging constant war with them is fun, futility does eventually set in when you realise that they will win through sheer weight of numbers by outbreeding the rest of us. They start younger and just don't seem to stop.

Codswallop, it just sounds so good rolling off of the tongue. Go on, try it, you know you want to. For those unfamiliar with the term it means rubbish or BS, whichever is your preference.

Creativity, one of the best attributes someone can have, and worst if misused. Imagination is the key to the universe, without it the world wouldn't be what it is today, for better or worse. It's one of my constant grievences that it is one of humanitys best and most attractive qualities, but seems to be stamped down on as much as possible in everyday life. And yet if mankind was ever given the freedom to express their creativity to its limits we would probably really f**k it up. It's a quandary all right.

Countdown, the TV quiz show that began the same year as I was born. I hate this show so much, but my Mum loves it, so for most of my life, 5 days a week, it has haunted me. In fact just to spite me it went from half an hour long to a 45 minutes. And not even the death of its presenter could keep it down. I can't help feeling that this show will in some fashion continue to stalk me for the rest of my days.

Counting Crows, the first band I ever fell for and follwed. Love all their stuff, even if it is a tad on the depressing side. And though its not my favourite song I do seem to be living 'Anna Begins' at the moment. August and Everything After remains to this day one of the best comfort albums to slap on when you're feeling down and gloomy. To my shame I have never seen them live, even though everyone else I know seems to have done and constantly delights in telling me how good they are.

Cursed, because thats how my life sometimes feels.

Comedy, cause you gotta laugh really.

2006-06-19T21:29:00.000+01:00

So heres a rave to change the usual mood of rant on this blog. Today I had an appointment and having been pre-warned that a lot of waiting would be involved I decided to take a book with me. The book of choice was 'The Devil You Know' by Mike Carey. Twelve hours later I've just put it down. Its the first time in a while that a books grabbed me enough to want to finish it in one day, so in case it isn't clear, I absolutely loved it. It's not exactly high fiction, but it was definitly a very fun ride. So other then a high recommendation to people to give it a try, question for the comments, what was the last book you read that really sucked you in and refused to let go?

2006-06-18T20:05:00.000+01:00

Covered In Bees!!!

Ok, so due to great popular demand (well, two people) here is the ballad of the Bee Story. Gather round children, are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.

This all happened many moons and many miles ago, when I was just a lad, in a wonderful and frightening place called the New Forest. Which as names go isn't entirely accurate, but what the heck. I was holidaying there with my parents, we were all staying in a B&B in what was essentially one giant, open room, my parents sleeping on one side and me on the other. After a long day, with a distinct lack of any bee activity featuring within it, we settled down for a restful nights sleep. But this night would end up haunting me for the rest of my mortal days!
(thunder roll outside for dramatic effect!)
In the middle of the night I have what is apparently just a dream, I can see, clear as day a wasp type creature sitting on the sheets watching me. And in that fevered not quite awake/ not sleeping state I say the Fateful words... "a bee". Now I'm not one for sleep talking, and I hadn't knowingly taken any hallucinogens that I know of, so what quite possessed me to utter that foul statement I will never know. But in the end it led on to two quite seperate events:

1) my parents overheard me and ever since my entire family has always taken the pee out of me, leading me to now owning just about every cuddly toy bee or piece of bee memorabilia under the sun, and

2) the very next day we walk back into the room from another day out and my Mum turns to look at me and says "whats that on your leg?" to which I look down and see an ENORMOUS wasp/hornet/terrifying stinging monster on my trouser leg. This thing was about 2 or 3 inches long, which may not seem that big but try having one running up towards your crotch and see how you feel! And as any self respecting person who prides themselves on never having been stung so far in their life would do, I freaked right out!

So was the dream prophecy? Do I have a gift? Or was it simply random chance and the semi-delusional state of sanity I normally exist in?
You decide...

2006-06-16T18:32:00.000+01:00

Welcome to the Planet Cataclysm Avenger. Pleased to have you aboard. Keep your seats and tray tables in their full and upright position...

2006-06-15T19:11:00.000+01:00

Ok, so maybe I'm paranoid, (yes!) and maybe, just maybe I'm a bit too much of a sci-fi geek for my own good (definitly Yes!). But I have to admit to being a little bit terrified when I read in the paper that Google is building a top secret facility in America in order to create the next wave of super powered computing technology. This place has cooling towers four storeys high for crying out loud!!! That has got to be a real beast of a machine they're building in there. Have none of these people watched TV at all!!! Everything from Terminator to Batman the Animated Series via the Simpsons has taught me that building giant super intelligent computers is just not a smart thing to do, because they then develop a sudden urge to wipe out the fleshy man things and take the place over! This is it people!!! The end times are a coming!!! We will soon just be slaves to our evil calculating overlords (or wonderful magnificent gleaming rulers of the future, depending which side of the wall you want to be on when humanitys back is to it).

But wait! There surely is still hope! For if this facility has not yet been built there is still a chance for it to be destroyed in a pre-emptive strike against the evil machines, perhaps by some inspiring time traveling fugitive from a dystopian future. Phew, we're possibly saved...

Til I read on and discover the name of this dreaded place is Project 02! That this is, in fact, Googles second such facility. I'm grabbing the canned goods and heading for the hills folks, hope to see you there!

2006-06-12T21:13:00.000+01:00

Blogal Abuse

So......

Yeah, I haven't exactly treated this blog well lately. Its been neglected, starting to look old and haggard. A bit like its creator really now I come to think of it. There was a slight purpose behind this mild case of blog abuse though. Essentially so no-one will read it. Hopefully it has been long enough now that none of my friends that know about this place are still bothering to drop by. And I desired this because I have the great misfortune of having Neath as my brother, and if you visit his blog here you'll see just how much wittier and better at this kind of stuff he is. This way hopefully the people that know the both of us will make less comparisons.

Of course that whole plan kind of falls apart a bit now I've just linked to his blog. Damnit! But I can't help it! It really is quite good!!!

There's also another reason as well, but I'm not quite ready to go into all that just yet. But I have been kind of self-involved lately and my deepest apologies to any people I've neglected because of that. I've had a lot on my mind, but I think its about time I tried doing this again, even if all its going to be is me spewing bile over the state of the world and all the little things that really really piss me off at the moment.

Anyways, thats the end of the comeback speech, I'm going to huddle down and watch my life disappear down the loo for a little while longer, wondering if it would travel the other way if I was in the Southern hemisphere.

Ciao

2006-04-20T19:48:00.000+01:00

Happy now Neath?

2006-04-20T19:15:00.000+01:00

I really don't get Marvel comics at the minute. They seem to spend their time screwing up each and every one of their characters. Spiderman has got a new costume, his crappest yet. He keeps splitting up with MJ and dwelling on Gwen Staceys death, something that even in the skewed timeline of comic universes happened almost twenty years ago? I know that he was originally created as a font of early teenage angst for the kids of the day to relate to. But those kids have long grown up and so, lest we forget, has the character. Peter Parker seriously needs to grow up and get over it, yeah it was awful, but for crying out loud how has he managed to carry that level of guilt without beginning to self harm is beyond me.
And where does this changing the origin come from? Now he gets his powers because the spider chose to impart them to him? Why the quasi-mystical crap? Yeah the origin has the whiff of chedder around it but so what? Accept it for what it is and move on instead of constantly trying to improve it, which you'll never succeed in doing. These things are iconic for a reason, just don't mess with them!

And whats with the new event? This Civil War that all the websites are talkin about? Coincidentally occuring just as DC is winding up its Infinite Crisis storyline. A storyline thats been built up in several subtle ways over the last year or more, beginning in the superb 'Identity Crisis' series by Brad Meltzer, fast becoming one of my favourite comicbook writers due to his excellent eye for characters and insightful knowledge of their pasts. The whole set up in 'Identity' was so nasty and sinister, yet at the same time so obvious that its incredible no-one had thought of it before. The whole 'Infinite Crisis' storyline has lead to some very exciting and intriguing developments, albeit less then the rumour mongers would have had us believe. Its left marks on the DCverse that are going to be a long time with us.
But I digress, I obviously wouldn't want to imply anything in the coincidence that Marvel have brought this 'Civil War' project into the light of day at such a time as DC have just featured a massive event in their titles.
'Civil War' is about, from all the rumours I've come across, superheroes fighting other superheroes over an act to register all super beings as 'living weapons of mass destruction', with different characters being either for or against such a decision. Or basically taking a concept that was introduced right from the beginning of the X-men, and the idea that mutants should register their identities, and attempting to sell it to us as something awe inspiring and new, rather then the aging, glamourised whore of comicdom that it is.
Basically, if you want to read comics where the characters drive the circumstances of the story in a more natural progression, read DC, if you want to read comics that are the equivalent of a dumbed down Michael Bay film where characters are wedged into situations that make no sense for them, just to highlight the big explosions, and where you don't need to grow too attached as by the time of the next cartoon series or film release all of the characters will become totally unrecognisable to what they were, read Marvel.

The obvious exception to this rule being anything written by Warren Ellis or Neil Gaiman, as they both have projects in the running for Marvel and their talent being on board seems to be the sole saving grace for the company at the momant.

Geeky rant over

2006-04-20T18:58:00.000+01:00

So finally a second post, something for you all to comment on. Sadly though this is going to be slightly more of a political rant then the geekiness that was promised. You see I've just finished watching the news and there was a (to me) interesting story about the water in Cornwall. Twenty or so years ago the water company "accidentally" poured some poisonous compound into its water source. How exactly you manage to pour poison into the water system is somewhat beyond me. Were there no signs? Or even pretty pictures showing skulls and cross bones? I'm having trouble grasping the exact level of stupidity it takes to pull off something like this. At the time the company was fined just a measly £10,000, which isn't really a lot considering that the money would have come from the honest Cornish folk who had paid their water bills. Emphasis on 'WATER' bills, not aluminium laced poison carrying water bills.
So remember kids, poisoning people is a crime! Unless you're a faceless corporation when it becomes just a minor offence that you charge your victims for the privilige.
I also can't help wondering about how easy it apparently is to get poison into the water supply? Surely there should be somewhat more security around these places? Or are they just another mindless organisation run by monkeys in a room pressing buttons, and no, I don't mean the super smart monkeys that came back from space, just your run of the mill monkeys...
...possibly in suits.

2006-03-16T20:07:00.000Z

At last!!! A chance to unleash my geeky self onto the world! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!